Quotes from my favorite scam mag, Weekly World News...
Scientists baffled by plug at bottom of Great Salt Lake..
Salt Lake City, Utah- Marine experts are scratching their heads over the discovery of a large "plug-like" object at the bottom of the Great Salt Lake. The round form, which is said to be about 14 feet in diameter, was spotted by a Brittish TV crew filming an underwater documentary about the lake. Scientists say they will take "all due precautions" before attempting to move the mysterious rubbery object in any way.
"Some would say it was instinct and some would say it was the power of love," the happy owner said of her dogs heroic journey back. "But she has seen the Lassie come home movie, so she knew what to do"....
Feminist says sex attacks by space aliens must stop.
"It's bad enough whey human males assault us. We're not going to permit the practice to spread to extraterrestrials as well. Over the past 50 years, UFO abductions have become increasinly common all over the world. Women suffer especially from these experiances. A number of them have even borne babies resulting from extraterrestrial rapes."
How to prevent UFO abductions.
2 billion Chinese will try to knock earth out of orbit by jumping up and down!
Reliable sources in the Far East report that China is mustering its two billion people to accomplish the diabolical plot by jumping up and down at 12:00 noon, Eastern Daylight Time, on Sunday, June 15-Father's Day. It will be the forth time the Chinese have tried their suicidal plan. Counter jumps by loyal Americans foiled earlier attempts in 1991, 1993, and 1995. "When they jumped, we jumped" one person said. "And that was all she wrote for the stupid Chinese plan.
Budget cuts endanger severed alien head!
Moscow: Russian scientists have kept the living severed head of a space alien on life-support for 40 years! But now, in an effort to cut expenses, the Russin government wants to cancel funding for the head's care and let it die. The head was recovered from a UFO crash site discovered by the Russian millitary. "There were seven extraterrestrials in the mangled wreckage," said the doctor in charge, "Six of them had been killed on impact. But the seventh was still alive, barely. Its neck had been broken and an artery, similar to the human aorta, was cut. Army medical personel rushed the dying creature to the lab by emergency helicopter. "By the time we got it, its body was full of a gangrene-like infection. We knew we were taking a big risk but our only chance was to sever the head and try to keep it alive. It worked".
Woman receives pig's heart, now they can't keep her out of the mud!
Des moines, Iowa: A woman who received a pig's heart in an experimental transplant operation had fully recovered and is leading a normal life, except for one thing, she has an uncontrollable urge to crawl into the pigpen and roll in the mud. "I don't know what it is but i love getting down in the mud," she said. "It feels like the most nautral thing in the world for me to hang out with the pigs". Family members are concerned, "We beg her to get out of the mud but every time we turn around she's over at her uncle's farm rolling around with the pigs", her dad said.
New gadget lets you reuse bubble gum - for 500 years!
Houston, Texas - An inventor here had created a high-tech device for preserving used bubble gum! The clear plastic container includes an attachment that creates an airtight seal instantly and restores original flavor. The gum remains moist, allowing it to be reused again and again. According to the inventor, a piece of gum kept in the container could theoretically remain intact and reusable for 500 years!
Did Castro cause all the U.S. flooding?
Dear Weekly World News: The floods in the United States have been worse this year than anyone can ever remember. Some people are blaming the heavy snowfall we had in the winter, but I blame our Communist enemy, Fidel Castro! It makes perfect sense to me and to just about everyone I have spoken to. My theory is that Castro had Cuban engineers pump tons of extra water into the northerly currents near Cuba. This water made it into the waterways in North America, and now it's destroying our cities...........